The Pimp Daddy and the Poor Wretch: Trying Mexican Food in Spain

In which the cuisine is "petulant, impudent and borderline Michelin"

About a year ago, we were at the beach in Alicante, Spain, and Jeff suggested getting margaritas. I (wrongly) thought the restaurants on the beach would be more expensive, so I suggested we move a little further into the city.

I had no idea what I was getting us into, but that’s how we found ourselves at an aggressively pink restaurant called La Tia Juana. Which is a pretty fun name, right? I mean, imagine if the city of Tijuana was your aunt. We thought fun name = fun time, maybe. I’m not a mathematician, and I should have kept that in mind.

Looking back at photos as I (a historian) prepared for this blog post, Jeff said “It looks like you’re seeing the world through a clear plastic stiletto.” I said simply “Wow, so pink.”

The walls at Tia Juana were covered in sassy little sayings, like “Alcohol doesn’t give you answers; it just helps you forget the questions,” and, “When a woman asks ‘What did you say?’ it’s not because she didn’t hear you. It’s because she wants to know if you have the balls to repeat it.” lol!!! The walls are also decorated with baskets, milagros hearts, musical instruments, and sugar skulls. Every inch of the ceiling seems to be hanging with garland or cheese graters. I submit the below as evidence.

alicantediscovery

A post shared by @alicantediscovery

Once we had a couple of minutes to recover from the sensory overload of the restaurant itself, we took a look at the menu, which turned out to be one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever seen. Honestly, ever.

Let’s start with a few of the drink options:

• Old Lesbian (Tequila, 7Up, mint and cucumber)

• Sexual Torture (rum, passionfruit, lime, orange juice and grenadine)

• Rancorous Mojito (comes in lime, strawberry and passionfruit)

Okay. Very sexual? And… why? I don’t want to think about sex when I’m at my aunt’s house. But have you ever been in a store like Daiso, or bought something off a cheap website that was made in China? And seen products where the English translations were a little wonky? That must be it, I thought. These were mistranslations. That’s the only reason they could be so off-the-wall.

But, no. The Spanish menu was just the same: Viejo Lesbiano. Tortura Sexual. Rencoroso Mojito. I mean, even without speaking fluent Spanish, it was pretty clear.

Where the hell were we?

We ordered ourselves two margaritas that I think maybe had ONE drop of alcohol in them each and kicked back to enjoy reading through the menu. I present to you: an annotated selection of La Tia Juana’s most bonkers menu items.

Menú

comes with an entire lemon, apparently!

• The Long Live Mexico, you Bastards! (for 4 little nieces or nephews): This Mexican delicacy is served “irresponsibly” on a volcanic stone still burning and straight from the fires of Lucifer. It comes with nearly all of Tia Juana’s sauces and 8 tortillas to snack on.

  • where to start?? first of all, “sobrinitos,” is the word that translates to “little nieces/nephews,” but, to my knowledge, it doesn’t translate to something more general, like “kiddos,” or “ya’ll” or anything that would make sense in this context. I guess it’s just a pun because the restaurant is called “La Tia Juana” and “tia” means “aunt,” so all the guests are her “little nieces and nephews?” But that’s so weird??? And I only just thought of that being the reason as I wrote this, a full year after seeing it.

  • “irresponsibly”

  • “the fires of Lucifer”

  • “nearly all” of the sauces

  • “8 tortillas TO SNACK ON”

  • costs 60 euros, btw

• The Badass (for 1 little niece or nephew) All dressed-up and angry, 185 grams of char-grilled PRIME HAMBURGER MEAT, rashers of bacon, a golden-brown layer of cheese and a monster chipotle BBQ sauce, a whack of guacamole, mounted BETWEEN 2 GLAZED DONUTS.  Served with handmade chips.

  • “a whack of guacamole”

• The Tough Guy (for 2 little nieces or nephews) Melted cheese. An arrogant assortment of cheeses melting inside the VOLCANO OF STONE and with a typical Mexican aroma.

  • almost ordered this just to find out what a “typical Mexican aroma” is

• The Pimp Daddy (for an unspecified number of little nieces or nephews) Petulant, impudent and borderline Michelin is this free-range CHICKEN in mole from Puebla. An elegant recipe by Tia Juana’s husband.

  • thanks, Tio Juan.

• The Poor Wretch. Disgraced PIGGY in Mexican marinated SAUCE, very badass, full-on Tijuana Mexico-style. “It burns, and it burns like a bastard.”

  • wow

  • “very badass”

• The Squealer (Tia Juana’s bestselling taco). Noble and arrogant, PULLED PORK cooked at low temperature for several hours, Michoacan Mexico-style. “You’ll squeal too.”

  • wow

• The Little Bastard. Contagious and appetizing, PULLED PORK smeared with a very Mexican BBQ sauce with chipotle. “Invites seduction.”

  • “VERY Mexican”

• The Magnificent. This arrogant char-grilled PORK in northern-style beans with lots of our best cheese and Tia Juana magic, lacks good manners.

  • “lots of our best cheese” make me wonder what the other cheeses are. I also love “lots of” being used as a unit of measurement. Is a “lots of” bigger than a “whack”?

FOR THE LITTLE DEVILS IN THE HOUSE (the kid’s menu)

Ah, yes, you can find the kids’ menu right beneath “The Wretched Woman.”

“They bring soothing fairy powders that last for 8 hours so they come home tired and let their parents watch a film in peace.”

• The Little Screamer. Free-range chicken marinated in fajitas, homemade chips, with 2 cheese quesadillitas.

  • this title probably wouldn’t seem so sexual if everything else on the menu wasn’t so sexualized.

• Exasperating Affection. Quintessentially Mexican quesadilla with York ham, cheese and homemade chips.

  • I think they probably meant to translate this to something more like “exasperating dear” or “annoying darling” because the Spanish version was “Cariño Latoso” and cariño can mean “affection” but also be a term of endearment. But A) how hilarious to name a menu item after how obnoxious you think your kid is and B) “Quintessentially Mexican with York ham.”

We ordered street tacos, which tasted like they were full of sweet Boston baked beans.

Prior to Spain, Jeff and I had only lived in California and the Sonoran Desert of Arizona, we’d always had access to a certain caliber of Mexican food. And Tia Juana’s was! An! Experience! Did it taste like Mexican food? No! Was it unforgettable? Oh yeah. Do I recommend it? I don’t know. I mean, if you don’t go, you could be missing out on an experience like this one mentioned by one Tripadvisor reviewer:

Very odd, we were greeted with a shot of tomato juice and tequila which stated “if you do not drink this you will not have an orgasm for 8 years”… unsure why they are in charge of my sex life?

One of the bajillion sayings on the wall read: “Poor Mexico, so far from God, so close to the United States.”

We were certainly not in Mexico. It did feel like we were probably far from God, though. And so it was that we learned to never, ever take Mexican food for granted again.

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Questions of the Week: What would you order at La Tia Juana? Here is their full menu just in case you need it. What are some unexpected things you have missed from home while in a new place?

Recommendation of the Week: This essay The Case Against Core Memories by

Wendy

over at

Open Water

is so thoughtful and well-written. Don’t skip the footnotes!