Agreed with the Italian, a 15 (sorry, 18) hour drive is very American! If I drove 18 hours from London I'd be somewhere in the Atlantic. Very glad you made it though considering all those obstacles!
That was a real nail-biter! So glad you made it to your destination unscathed. You really are so brave, Emily, and an inspiration. The most American thing I can think of related to your story is the crappy state of our gas station convenience stores. In Europe, I was blown away by the civilized gas station cafes that served delicious espresso drinks and sold fresh baked bread and pastries. Someone in the USA must have passed a law that stated that car travel has to be totally uncivilized and if you get hungry on your car trip, all you can have is a week-old hot dog that's been rotating under a fluorescent light for two weeks. Why can't we have nice things??
Thank you, Hilary! All small problems, in the end. Haha, yes, it's all week-old hot dogs or candy or chips. The road food pyramid is different than the regular food pyramid.
Okay, Emily. You’ll need to sit down for this old guy road trip training sesh.
Rule 1. If you have your pants on, you better have a Leatherman Wave in your pocket. If you don’t wear pants, make sure you have one in your sporran. If you don’t wear anything, consider duct tape. The Leatherman was invented by a guy who took his bride on a road trip honeymoon in Italy driving a Fiat. Lots of moving parts in that scenario and in his case, many of the parts moved the wrong way. Thus we are blessed with the Leatherman, the road tripper’s friend. Don’t leave home without it.
Clearly, you need no additional training on duct tape, but what about WD-40? Whereas duct tape is made for fixing things that move but shouldn’t, WD40 is for fixing things that should move but don’t.
Rule 2. Think outside the box. Here’s a few examples gleaned from a lifetime of road trips to hell. (They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions, but I can tell you from hard experience that it was never paved at all.)
Rule 3. All roads do not lead to Rome. In fact, very few do. Most lead to places such as Bolga-Tonga, Molapawabajong, Needles, or Ganja (yes, really), but never ask for directions because someone will always tell you to go to hell, which is where you are already headed and the road is not paved.
Rule 4. Don’t panic. (see Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy).
Wow, thank you for all the free advice! I do have a Leatherman, but it wasn't in the car, so I'll have to make sure to move it there, along with some WD-40. I can't believe that bus in Malawi did that to you! Were they trying to act out a fable about patience?
Hahaha no, please, anywhere but Needles. Except maybe Yuma.
I forget to mention one very important thing about road trips and Leathermans. Sometimes you may need to help delivery babies. It’s happened three times to me, twice in Africa and once at a junkyard parking lot here in Idaho.
The first time, in Malawi, I was taking a woman to a nearby maternity clinic, but alas, the baby arrived even before I could stop the car. It took me much longer to clean the car the next day than it took for the baby to make its grand entry.
The second baby was born along the trail on a blue tarp in South Sudan. Mom and baby were great, with lots of fresh air and sunshine.
Finally, I was exiting my car at a junkyard parking lot in Caldwell, Idaho, when a white Chevy Avalanche slid up to me, the driver handed me his phone, and I said hello? “Sir, this is 911. How may I help you?” I told her I would check in the car, where I found mom and baby were parting ways. I updated the 9-11 lady and said an ambulance was needed in the junkyard parking lot.
By the time help arrived, little William was wrapped in a towel and was in my arms.
I almost had a heart attack reading this? I had no snow on my journey and no ominous forests and no Norwegian and only one tunnel which was small and kind of fun. So I have decided I actually have zero complaints.
Agreed with the Italian, a 15 (sorry, 18) hour drive is very American! If I drove 18 hours from London I'd be somewhere in the Atlantic. Very glad you made it though considering all those obstacles!
It is important to keep the traditions of one's country alive! They were all really annoying but fortunately manageable haha.
can I just say I love the name Zelda for a dog
Thank you! She came with the name, and we love it too. Got lucky haha!
That was a real nail-biter! So glad you made it to your destination unscathed. You really are so brave, Emily, and an inspiration. The most American thing I can think of related to your story is the crappy state of our gas station convenience stores. In Europe, I was blown away by the civilized gas station cafes that served delicious espresso drinks and sold fresh baked bread and pastries. Someone in the USA must have passed a law that stated that car travel has to be totally uncivilized and if you get hungry on your car trip, all you can have is a week-old hot dog that's been rotating under a fluorescent light for two weeks. Why can't we have nice things??
Thank you, Hilary! All small problems, in the end. Haha, yes, it's all week-old hot dogs or candy or chips. The road food pyramid is different than the regular food pyramid.
Okay, Emily. You’ll need to sit down for this old guy road trip training sesh.
Rule 1. If you have your pants on, you better have a Leatherman Wave in your pocket. If you don’t wear pants, make sure you have one in your sporran. If you don’t wear anything, consider duct tape. The Leatherman was invented by a guy who took his bride on a road trip honeymoon in Italy driving a Fiat. Lots of moving parts in that scenario and in his case, many of the parts moved the wrong way. Thus we are blessed with the Leatherman, the road tripper’s friend. Don’t leave home without it.
Clearly, you need no additional training on duct tape, but what about WD-40? Whereas duct tape is made for fixing things that move but shouldn’t, WD40 is for fixing things that should move but don’t.
Rule 2. Think outside the box. Here’s a few examples gleaned from a lifetime of road trips to hell. (They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions, but I can tell you from hard experience that it was never paved at all.)
https://Switter’s.substack.com/p/getting-home
https://switters.substack.com/p/oxen-rule-jeeps-drool
Rule 3. All roads do not lead to Rome. In fact, very few do. Most lead to places such as Bolga-Tonga, Molapawabajong, Needles, or Ganja (yes, really), but never ask for directions because someone will always tell you to go to hell, which is where you are already headed and the road is not paved.
Rule 4. Don’t panic. (see Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy).
Wow, thank you for all the free advice! I do have a Leatherman, but it wasn't in the car, so I'll have to make sure to move it there, along with some WD-40. I can't believe that bus in Malawi did that to you! Were they trying to act out a fable about patience?
Hahaha no, please, anywhere but Needles. Except maybe Yuma.
So long, and thanks for all the fish :)
I forget to mention one very important thing about road trips and Leathermans. Sometimes you may need to help delivery babies. It’s happened three times to me, twice in Africa and once at a junkyard parking lot here in Idaho.
The first time, in Malawi, I was taking a woman to a nearby maternity clinic, but alas, the baby arrived even before I could stop the car. It took me much longer to clean the car the next day than it took for the baby to make its grand entry.
The second baby was born along the trail on a blue tarp in South Sudan. Mom and baby were great, with lots of fresh air and sunshine.
Finally, I was exiting my car at a junkyard parking lot in Caldwell, Idaho, when a white Chevy Avalanche slid up to me, the driver handed me his phone, and I said hello? “Sir, this is 911. How may I help you?” I told her I would check in the car, where I found mom and baby were parting ways. I updated the 9-11 lady and said an ambulance was needed in the junkyard parking lot.
By the time help arrived, little William was wrapped in a towel and was in my arms.
Leathermens, don’t leave home without them.
42.
Wow??? you're basically a doctor at this point
I grew up on a farm, so I learned stuff.
And I’m more of a facilitator. Nature will do what nature does.
I almost had a heart attack reading this? I had no snow on my journey and no ominous forests and no Norwegian and only one tunnel which was small and kind of fun. So I have decided I actually have zero complaints.